Five Steps to Better Relationships

In some ways, this whole COVID mess has separated us from one another. In other settings, it has brought us closer together; and, by closer together I mean in proximity, not necessarily relationally. Some of you have been thrown together inside the house with your spouse, your child, your in-law, in a way you never have been before. In some cases, you’ve enjoyed that newfound closeness. You’ve been able to have conversations that have caused your relationship to grow and flourish. In other cases, the nearness has not been positive. Perhaps, you’ve gotten on each other’s nerves, and you don’t know what to do about it.

As I was going through some old files recently, I ran across an article by Jill Savage. She shares a few steps that can help us move toward healthier relationships in our lives. We can all use a bit of help on how to relate to others in a more loving and Christian way.

One of the things I remember about being at my grandpa’s house (we called him Papa George) was a magnifying glass that he kept on the table beside his chair. He used it later in life to be able to see things in the newspaper, or to read stuff that had come in the mail.

When you look at something under magnification it looks bigger than it really is. The magnified image is no longer reflective of real life because you’re seeing one thing larger than the other things around it. Magnifying something can give an exaggerated sense of how significant something really is.

The people we live with are imperfect human beings. They have faults. They make mistakes. They let us down on occasion. In these days of increased closeness, it can become easy to look at others’ faults through a magnifying glass. I’ll even venture to say that someone – the god of this world – the enemy who wants to steal, divide, and destroy – helps to position the magnifying lens on the actions or attitudes that cause us the most hurt, disappointment, or rejection. (John 10:10 and I Peter 5:8)

Without realizing it, we move from believing the best about our spouse, our child, our relative, or our friend to believing the worst about them. With their faults maximized and their strengths minimized, we slowly close off our heart to them. Before we know it, a relational wall has been erected by our skewed perspective and unrealistic expectations (for example, that they won’t make mistakes, that they should have made a different decision, etc.).
 

That relational wall begins a process of separation in our heart and mind. It divides our loyalties and moves us away from the relationship rather than towards the relationship that means so much to us. It’s usually not the big things that kill relationships. It’s often the little things that accumulate over time. Looking at faults through a magnifying glass is a little thing that can do damage over the long haul unless we do something about it.

Here are five ways to begin seeing others in a more balanced way:

1) Move the magnifying glass. Move your focus from what they do wrong to what they do right. If you’re finding yourself critical of, or angry, or disgusted, with your spouse, you’ve likely had tunnel vision on their imperfections. Sit down and make a list of their strengths and what they contribute positively to the relationship.

2) Stay focused on what you love. If you focus on what bothers you, all you will see are the things that tick you off. Keep your eyes on what you love so you fill your heart with love.

3) Believe the best about your loved one. Resist the urge to make their mistake a personal offense towards you. Beware of statements you might make to yourself like, “If he really loved me he wouldn’t have done that,” or “She did that just to tick me off.” These kinds of statements are fertilizer to negative emotions.

4) Get perspective. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? In the big scheme of things, is this really a big deal? When you measure this imperfection, mistake, or disappointment against all the good things about the person, you may begin to see that this situation doesn’t need to define your whole relationship. You need spiritual perspective as well. Remind yourself who the real enemy is (Satan), and what his agenda is (to divide and destroy). Don’t let yourself get sucked into his distraction and deception.

5) Learn to move forward. Sometimes we need to give grace, forgive, and let it go. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with the person, but only after our emotions have calmed down. And sometimes we need to realize that our own pride or insecurity is the bigger issue here, and it’s helpful to move the magnifying glass from our loved one to ourselves for a few convicting minutes. But don’t let it sit there for too long, or you’ll move from conviction to condemnation of yourself in no time.

That old magnifying glass of Papa George’s had its place in this world. It helped him see things more clearly at times. Magnifying glasses in relationships can do the same. It all depends on what you’re looking at.

What about you? Do you need to reposition your magnifying glass toward more positive areas?

Grace and peace

Pastor Ross